The Great Butter Bamboozle
by Happii Haden
Summary: "I have been coming here as well at the same time, although I am later than usual. Normally I come in mornings to sell the butters." The redhead rubbed his chin in thought. The blond growled, "I don't care if you're here! I will sell my butters and everyone will buy then because they're much better than yours."


My cousin is great inspiration.

WARNING: AU where butter is everything and shitty European translations. Sorry :c

Rated: shit fic

Word Count:4622

Naruto © Kishimoto

Story © Happii Haden

* * *

Butter. It was a great thing. A delicacy amongst the rich. Only the wealthiest could afford to get it. A lot of folk found this unfair, but couldn't find it in them to fight for it. There were other ways around this butter hierarchy. One could purchase mock margarine at a store for a pence, but it wasn't very tasty or healthy. One could purchase a butter… illegally.

There was an island, rumor had it. An island in which a vendor sold authentic butter. The real deal - the better butter. Some doubted it's origins, but some claimed that it was true. Those who were lucky enough to have tasted real butter could tell the difference.

The young vendor traveled far from the great Scandinavian country. He brought with him a whole ship of butter, guarded by the best voyagers he knew. Deidara was his name and he was the Prince among Vikings as many had put it. He wasn't really a prince, but he wasn't one to deny the status.

It was the beginning of June and the blond had finally reached Faroe. June was the best month for butter sales. Then again… every month was the best month for butter sales.

Deidara traveled to the small town where he always set up shop. Normally people were already greeting him and praising his yellow sticks of oil. Not today though - no, no one seemed to take interest in him.

" _Unnsklyd_!" he piped up, tapping a woman on the shoulder. "Where is… ah, everyone?" The blond asked in a common language.

The woman turned with surprised eyes. "Oh, it's the Viking Prince, yes? Everyone is buying the butters!"

Deidara's eyebrows raised. He was the butter seller though! Who could possibly be selling better butter? "Show me!" He demanded in a fit.

The blond was taken to his usual spot. There he found a beautiful man. Vibrant vermilion curly locks, pale porcelain skin, and warm honey eyes. The man caught Deidara's stare. He seemed to be in shock.

Deidara stomped toward the butter stand, ready to claim what was rightfully his. " _Unnsklyd_!" He snapped in his native tongue once more. "Who are you and what do you think you're doing, ja!?"

The man stared, muttering, " _Falleg_ … ahem…" He cleared his throat and put on an award winning smile. "Why, I'm Sasori and I sell butters, care to acquire some, Miss?"

"Miss!?" the blond screeched. "I am Prince of Vikings, I'll have you know! I am the one to sell butters here!"

Sasori snorted, "Surely you mean princess… You're much to-"

Deidara glared and slammed a hand on the counter. "I am man, ja!"

"It is true!" a townsman confirmed from afar.

"He is most handsomest man!" a woman swooned.

"A true prince!"

"Prince of Vikings!"

Deidara smirked and crossed his arms in triumph. This vendor had no chance of selling butters now. Not with Faroe on his side.

"Ah… my mistake. Prince or princess does not matter. Would you like to purchase my butters?"

" _D-Din tulling_! I just told you! I sell butters not you!" The blond stomped his foot. "You are in my spot!"

The redhead tilted his head confused, "Your spot? I've been coming here for years now and this has always been my spot."

Deidara's jaw dropped. "Years!? Not possible! I've been coming here for years to this exact spot on this exact date on this exact timing, ja!"

"I have been coming here as well at the same time, although I am later than usual. Normally I come in mornings to sell the butters." The redhead rubbed his chin in thought.

The blond growled, "I don't care if you're here! I will sell my butters and everyone will buy then because they're much better than yours." He snapped his fingers and a large Scandinavian man nodded.

Within moments a stall was built by burly boys. Deidara proudly got behind the counter and gave the redhead a condescending look. "I have arrived and now am ready to sell the butters, ja! Exclusively imported from Norway."

Several people crowded around his stall, leaving the redhead's butters.

Sasori frowned and rubbed his chin again. What a disaster. "Ahem," he started, "Why purchase Norwegian butters when you could be purchasing butters from an even more exotic land. I travel from Iceland to sell you my native butters!"

Deidara could only watch in horror as his adoring townsfolk left him for the redhead. How dare he! "Uhmm, Norwegian butter is actually much healthier! It doesn't contain all those fatty oils that Icelandic butters have, ja!"

And again, the people traversed over to his side.

"You tell lies. Butter is made of fat and oil. However, with Icelandic butters it is all made cruelty free. Made only with real butter ingredients. Unlike Norwegians who overwork their butter makers."

The people started to talk and move once more.

"In fact, they aren't even paid fairly for their butter works," Sasori concluded.

Deidara gawked. How dare he. HOW DARE HE! "Not true, ja!" the blond squawked. "In fact we have the fairest wages of all! This butter comes directly from our wealthiest butter owner, Hidan Yuu."

Everyone 'ah'ed and 'oo'ed at the name. Hidan was a wealthy butter owner back in Norway. Everyone knew his name.

"Ah, but Hidan is a cruel man, já," Sasori mocked. "It's a true fact that he's actually a part of an occult called Jashinism! He beats his wife and children! Massacres millions in the name of his butter and god. Do you want to support a man who does such evil deeds?" The redhead smirked, "Perhaps you can recall the wealthiest butter owner in my land. Sir Nagato is his name!"

At this point, some people started to walk away from the butter vendors. They just wanted butter not a spectacle. A lot did stay, however, switching sides upon every piece of info they found better.

Deidara scoffed, "As if he is any better, ja! His nickname isn't Pain without cause! That man has murdered anyone in his path! That man actually believes he's god!"

Sasori growled, "At least he isn't murdering his own people! He is a general! Understand he is only doing what he has to! To keep Iceland safe!"

The blond flipped his hair, "Maybe he keep Iceland safe, but he has no mercy for other countries, ja. Who knows? What if he comes to Faroe next? Buying my butters will keep you safe from that overlord."

"Frightening people with you nonsense," Sasori scoffed. "How inconsiderate of you."

"I'm only warning them!"

Sasori rolled his eyes and turned to the crowd. "Ten pence for some butter. A ridiculous price. My butter is not only nine pence!"

Deidara gasped. He was making his butter cheaper than his!? Was he crazy? Apparently not, because everyone immediately ran to his stall. Expensive real deal butter for cheap? That's an immediate sign up.

"U-Uhm! Seven pence!" the flustered blond exclaimed. "Why buy butters marked down by one pence when you can buy it for three pence less!"

Sasori scrunched up his nose. Seven pence?! Was he crazy!? If he went any lower… "Five pence!"

The crowd huddled around Sasori's stall.

Deidara squealed in an angry manner and stomped his foot furiously. "This is ridiculous! What makes you think his butter is any better, ja! Just cause it's cheaper!? If he's willing to make it cheaper that means it's no good, ja!"

Some nodded in agreement. Others contemplated.

"You brat-"

"Enough!" a voice called from within the crowd.

Eyes all turned to the nameless man. It was a wealthy man, as one could tell by his rich satin cloak.

"I come from the Great United Kingdom," the raven started. "Some of you might know me as the slippery weasel, but please, refer to me as Itachi." He walked up to the two vendors. "I had heard the rumor that people were stealing and selling butters _illegally_ from their wealthy fellows. It seems that it was true. I came to put an end to this, however, you two put up quite a show. It was most enjoyable to see you two squabble."

Deidara glared. He had heard of this man and did not like him one bit! His family was one of the most wealthiest people throughout all the countries. Some said that they even built a castle out of butter. What a waste!

"We were not squabbling," Sasori defended. "We were simply debating whose butter was better. Clearly it's mine, but that brat won't shut up."

Deidara snapped, "I was here first, ja! Norwegian butter is the best. Your butter is stupid!"

"No, your butter is stupid!"

"Say that to my face," the blond squawked.

"I just did! Do you ears not work?" Sasori sassed.

"Why you-"

"Enough!" Itachi yelled. "You two act like bloody children. I'm familiar with the expensive butters, so I can tell you whose is best." he stated. "Present me your butters."

Both vendors pulled a stick of butter to give to the raven.

Itachi took a bite of Deidara's first. He made a perplexed face. Then he took a bite of Sasori's. He was surprised.

Sasori smirked at the raven's face, sticking his tongue out at Deidara. The blond retaliated by crossing his arms and glaring.

"Well?" They both asked.

"Well…" Itachi started, "neither are what they say they are."

" _Unnsklyd!?_ "

Sasori furrowed his eyebrows, "What do you mean!?"

Itachi tossed the butters to the ground, causing both vendors to gasp in astonishment. "These butters are neither Norwegian or Icelandic. No! These are… Swedish!"

The entire crowd gasped. Nobody wanted Swedish butter. Their butter was a disgrace to all the butters.

"He doesn't walk whole to the forest!" Sasori exclaimed.

Deidara gave him a strange look, but shook it off. "There's no way it's Swedish, ja! He's crazy!"

"That is what I am saying!" The redhead flailed.

Itachi shook his head. "These two… they have lied to you! Bloody crooks!"

At this people began to throw the nasty butter at them. Along with insults and complaints.

Sasori ducked from an incoming stick of golden deliciousness. "We need to leave!"

Deidara ducked as well. "No way am I leaving my stall! These are my butters and-"

A loud crack interrupted the two. Just from the corner of his eye, Deidara could see an axe split down his stall. Oh, yeah… his Viking crew…

"On second thought, a stroll sounds nice, ja!" Deidara yelped as he hopped out of the way.

Sasori was on his feet running after the blond in an instance. "This is precisely why you should not hire barbarians to do your bidding!"

The blond growled, "They're not barbarians, ja! Viking are good people!"

"He axed your stand!"

"And he'll axe your head if you don't hurry up! Is the butter weighing your belly down or what!?"

Sasori's eyes widened, "Are you say I am fat!?"

"I'm saying you're too slow, idiot!"

The two ran and ran, a mob of angry townspeople and Vikings chasing after. Fortunately for them, a great hiding spot came into view as they neared a farm. The two ducked into a barn, just dodging the bitter butter mob.

Deidara pulled the redhead behind a large hay bale and then pointed to a ladder leading up to the loft.

Sasori nodded and followed the blond butter vendor.

Just as they made it up there, a small part of the mob came through the barn. They looked under bales and cows. Only when they left could Sasori and Deidara take a moment to breathe.

"Þetta reddast…" the redhead muttered.

Deidara quirked an eyebrow, "What are you going on about."

Sasori sighed, "Everything will be fine, I mean…"

"Clearly not."

"No, no, we just need to lay our head in water is all…"

Deidara groaned, "You talk stupid. Swedish butter, ja! I can't even begin to believe it! Kakuzu told me that it was the finest butters!"

Sasori gasped, "Wait what!? Kakuzu sells to you!? He sells to me!"

" _Jøss_! We… We were bamboozled, ja!

The redhead sighed again and slumped against a bale. " _Helvíti_ … suppose that's the end of my butter selling days.

"I'm stranded here… This is bad, is. Really bad. How will I return home!?"

Sasori perked up at hearing the blond's distress. "Perhaps I could help."

Deidara gave him a weak glare. "Why would I want your help. You're the reason why I'm even in this mess."

"Untrue. Itachi would have sniffed you out and had you arrested if I wasn't here. You should be thanking me," Sasori smirked.

The blond jumped, "As if! If you weren't in my spot then none of this would've happen! My Vikings would have kept him away, ja."

"Or made him return with an army."

"As if, everyone knows better than to start a war with Vikings!"

Sasori rolled his eyes, "You act like they're the greatest warriors, yet the most the can do is pillage. I've seen better women fight than those meat heads."

Deidara fumed, "You have no right in what you are saying, ja! You are dumb and know nothing! Vikings are best warriors-"

" _Þegiðu!_ " Sasori snapped in a whisper as he covered the blond's rambling mouth. He gestured to below them and pressed a finger to his own mouth as if to say "keep quiet".

Deidara swatted the Icelandic man's hand away and leaned over the ledge to see what had said man slapping a hand over his mouth.

Itachi and an angry mob. Apparently they hadn't gave up yet. "I know you two idiots are in here!" The weasel purred. "You two can't stop that bloody arguing even if the world was ending."

A few Vikings shoved their axes through the hay bales.

Deidara gulped and leaned over more to get a good look. His hand slipped against the ledge and he gasped, feeling himself about to fall.

Itachi looked up at the sound, scanning the whole barn. He spotted the loft and walked around to find a way up. A ladder behind a large bale. Itachi climbed up and searched the loft.

Sasori pressed himself and Deidara closer behind the hay. He held the butter blond close to his chest, making the man flush in embarrassment.

A few tense moments passed and after Itachi didn't see anything, he descended down. "They must've ran. I'm sure they're somewhere here on this farm. Let's move on."

Sasori kept the blond pressed against him, even after the mob left with Itachi.

Deidara tried to scramble out of the redhead's hold. "L-Let me go!" he harshly whispered.

"You're lucky I caught you, you brat."

The blond flushed, "Hmph… well, uhh, thank you…"

Sasori let out a sigh of relief and stretched, "Yanno… you're actually quite attractive."

" _U-Unnskyld!?_ " Deidara gasped in a fluster. "Where is this all coming from!?"

The redhead smirked and rubbed his neck, "Well I've been thinking it since we met, despite me thinking you were a woman."

The blond clicked his tongue and looked away from the redhead. "Tsch, you're not so bad yourself to look at…" he muttered.

Sasori smiled, biting his tongue. He crawled closer to the blond. "Oh? Then perhaps you wouldn't mind giving me a kiss, já? Since I did save you from falling and being captured by that weasel."

"A k-kiss!?" Deidara squealed. "Have you lost your mind!?"

"Not at all. All I am asking is for a kiss," Sasori shrugged. He ran a hand through the blond's silky locks. "Your hair is as golden as the finest butters."

If it were possible, Deidara's face was as red as Sasori's hair. The Icelandic butter vendor was ever a charmer.

"You're crazy, ja!" The blond swallowed hard and pressed a quick kiss to the other man's lips. "There! I have thanked you and now you may leave! I can find a way home myself!" He exclaimed turning away from the redhead. How embarrassing!

"Deidara…"

The blond turned back to face Sasori. "Ja?"

Sasori didn't give the beautiful Norwegian a chance to talk as he dived in for a kiss.

Deidara tried to back away, head feeling dizzy as Sasori kissed him. Despite his best efforts, the redhead was persistent and just followed him until he was on his back with the man above him. He put his hands to Sasori's chest in another attempt to push him away, but the man simply grabbed them.

The redhead took the blond's arms and made him wrap them around his neck. The gesture seemed to work as Deidara relaxed and actually pulled the man closer. Breaking the kiss momentarily, Sasori paused to looked the blond in the eyes. He tucked a piece of hair away from Deidara's face. " _Falleg."_

Deidara's heart felt like it would explode at any given moment. "What does it mean?"

"Beautiful," Sasori smiled stealing another kiss from the blond.

Said blond blushed and pulled Sasori closer. "I… uhm, you're beautiful too!"

Sasori's heart fluttered at the compliment. Deciding that he liked where this was taking them, he decided to take it a step further. His hands slide up the blond's stomach underneath his shirt. Pressing small kisses against the blond's neck, the redhead couldn't help but smile.

"Wh-What do you think you're doing, ja?"

"You turn me on so badly," the redhead muttered.

Deidara choked on his saliva, suddenly feeling very hot. "I-I… uhm, you too!"

Sasori sucked on a spot of the blond's neck, leaving a red mark. "We can do it then?"

"J-Ja! I've never, uhm, done this before though…" the blond said nervously.

The redhead groaned at the information, but not in a bad way. "I will be the first to butter your buns," Sasori purred.

"Don't say such dirty things, ja!" Deidara whined.

"But it's true!" Sasori said with glee. "I'll make you feel good."

The blond huffed, "Th-Then get to it, idiot!"

The redhead chuckled and sat the blond up reaching for his shirt. "That's not a very nice thing to say."

"Then what should I call you, huh?" The blond rolled his eyes.

"Danna would do just fine," the redhead man.

Deidara raised a curious eyebrow as he was laid back. "What's that?"

"Just a name for a lover."

The blond bit his lip, "Lover, ja?"

"Is that alright?" Sasori asked, further undressing his new found butter.

Deidara nodded quickly. He wiggled around in the hay, the straw scratching his exposed skin. "This stuff is itchy. Are you sure we have to do this here?"

Sasori frowned, "I would take you back to my ship but I don't think my _tittlingur_ can wait…"

The two glanced down at the tent in Sasori's pants.

"And neither can yours," Sasori then smirked as he took a hold of the blond's erection.

Deidara gasped at the touch and bucked his hips. "D-Danna!"

The redhead hummed in approval. "You were so annoying earlier, but hearing you like this… It makes me want to devour you."

"That isn't a compliment, ja!" The blond complained.

Sasori just ignored the comment and began pumping the shaft steadily. "Enough. Any further complaints?"

Deidara moaned and writhed below the redhead. "Nei, Danna! Please continue!"

The redhead nodded and stroked the blond. He leaned down to adorn the man's body in sweet kisses. Boy, Oh, Boy did Sasori ever like kissing this butter blond. He was just so delicious!

He stopped kissing once he reached one of Deidara's nipples. Taking it into his mouth, he gave an experimental swirl of his tongue which made the blond cry out in pleasure, back arching into the mouth. Sasori happily busied his mouth with the nub - sucking on it until it was perked and flushed.

"Danna, that feels weird~" Deidara moaned as he tried to make Sasori stop. The man did stop for a brief moment, but only to match his other nipple. "Neeeei~"

Sasori teased the flesh just enough until it was a perfect shade of red. He leaned up to kiss the blond. "You." Kiss. "Are." Another one. "So." Kissy. "Cute." Kiss.

Deidara swatted at the man's face. "Don't do such stupid things! Just keep… making me feel good, ja!"

The redhead rolled his eyes and slid back down the blond's body. "I think kisses feel great," He muttered now faced with Deidara's dick.

Said blond squealed in delight and pleasure as the redhead took him into his mouth. He had seen the mouth sex at a local brothel once, but he had not participated. He really was missing out! "So good~" he sighed lewdly. His fingers wove through the red locks and tried to make him take in more.

Sasori didn't care for that too much. However, he wasn't about to stop either. Instead the man reached down and pinched the blond's inner thigh.

"Ouch! Sasori you- Ah!" the blond's complaint was interrupted as he came into the skilled mouth that had sucked him dry.

The redhead swallowed it up, not letting a drop go to waste as he cleaned the blond with his tongue. "Just as I thought," he hummed happily to himself.

Deidara could barely hear anything over the white noise residing in his ear canal. Wow. Orgasms were so much better with someone else. Unfortunately, another pinch to his thigh brought his euphoria to an end.

"Are you even listening, you brat?" The redhead sneered. "I said we're not done here."

The blond pouted and sat up. "What do you mean?"

Sasori gestured to his untouched erection. "Don't be selfish. As much as I love pleasuring you, it wouldn't be very fair to myself to let you have all the fun."

"Do I need to mouth you?" Deidara asked.

"No, no, that won't be necessary. I wanna get to the good stuff."

Deidara nodded and was surprised as Sasori guided him into a position on his hands and knees. "I'm not a barn animal, ja."

Sasori chuckled and kissed his shoulder. "I understand. This just makes it easier."

"But I can't see you…"

"Don't worry, you'll love it I promise!" Sasori grinned. Throwing his clothes off, he got behind the blond fully exposed. He grabbed the blond's behind and got a good look at his entrance. Definitely needed some stretching to accommodate…

He sucked on two fingers for a few before deeming them wet enough. He stuck them in and the blond let out a yelp.

"Danna! I do not love this! Don't you dare bamboozle me too!" Deidara snapped.

Sasori frowned, "It'll get better. Just give me a minute." He worked the fingers in and out of the blond, but he was so tight that it barely did a thing! This could be a problem.

"Daaaaannnnnnaaaaa! This isn't fun anymore!"

" _Þegiðu!_ " Sasori snapped. "You complain so much." He pulled his fingers out, drawing a whimper out of the blond. He looked around for something more to use. Clearly spit was no good. Then he remembered. Reaching for his jacket, he pulled out a melty stick of butter from the pocket. "This will do the trick!"

Deidara tried to turn his head to see what the man was talking about, but didn't have a chance as he felt something slick slide into his hole. "Ah~ What is that?~"

"Only the best thing in the world," Sasori snickered. He slid the oily gold in and out at a slow pace. It didn't need to go deep, just needed to make it more comfortable. "How's it feel?"

"Better! Kinda weird!" Deidara exclaimed voice hitching at the feeling.

"I'm gonna use my fingers again."

The blond groaned, "It better feel good!"

Sasori pulled the butter out and set it to the side. The two fingers slid in with more ease this time. And no complaints from the brat!

He did his best to stretch the man's entrance, but Sasori was already becoming impatient. Grabbing the neglected butter, he rubbed his free hand in it and used it to lubricate his own member.

It was during this moment that Deidara had decided to get a good look behind him. His face flushed even more seeing the redhead touching himself while looking at him as if he were one of the richest pieces of butter. He was also thankful that Sasori didn't make him suck his length. No way that guy would've fit in his mouth.

"You ready? We are about to get to the feel good part," Sasori stated as he pulled the fingers out.

Deidara quirked an eyebrow. "I thought we already did that part."

"Well this is the REALLY feel good part," the redhead explained. Lining up behind the blond, he held the tip of his cock to the buttered entrance.

With a good push, Sasori was in.

The blond gasped at the intrusion - not sure if it felt good or hurt. Either way, his muscles all tensed. Including the ones in which Sasori was encased in.

"Ease up, brat~" the redhead whined. He didn't realize the blond would be this tight. If he even tried to move he knew he'd come in an instance and no way did he wanna stop their fun just as they got to the good part!

Deidara shook his head. "I… uhm- it's big, ja!"

"Does it hurt?" The redhead tried to call down.

"No? I don't know! It's just big!"

Sasori groaned and gripped the blond's hips. "Well then…" He withdrew from the heat, letting only the head stay in. Only for a second did he wait until he pushed back in.

The thrust sent Deidara forward, a moan leaving his lips. "What are you do-ING!~" The blond whined in ecstasy as the redhead moved his hips again. It shocked his spine painfully, but at the same time the feeling of being filled felt oddly good. And the other man just kept going so deep! Is this what he meant by easier? It was all simply too much for the blond Viking prince.

Sasori sighed and leaned down, holding the blond as close as he possibly could. "You feel the best. I'm already so close."

"S-So, ah, close to- hnng, what?" Deidara panted between desperate moans.

"To filling you with my, ah, butter~!"

The blond tried to bury his face into the hay beneath him. What a thing to say!

It was over faster than it started. Or at least Deidara had thought so. The Icelandic redhead had ended up hitting a special place inside that sent him over the moon and back. It was Deidara that had came first, spilling his seed all over Sasori's hand and the straw below. Sasori, being the courteous man he was, pulled out last minute and finished his orgasm by hand and onto the ground - sparing Deidara having to clean his insides and outsides!

It had turned dark and the two were making their way back through town. Sasori had a arm wrapped around the blond who now wore his coat. He was more than happy that Deidara had decided to accept his offer to take him home.

Once on the boat, out in the middle of the sea, the two stood on deck. Sasori happily clinging to his new found interest. "Deidara…" he sighed into a kiss against the man's temple. "Out of everything that happened today, you are the raisin at the end of the hotdog."

Deidara snorted, "Ja, whatever you say, Danna." Man, did this guy ever say stupid things. Oh well, the blond supposed it was worth it. Selling butter went much better when you had a sexy Icelandic boyfriend anyway.


End file.
